History’s Mysteries: Walt Disney’s Head, Part 2

How did 1 misplaced frozen head launch the end of the world? Why did Walt Disney freeze his head to begin with? And where is it now?

The real catalyst happened earlier than you think. It was during the so called “Golden Age” of cartoons, from 1937-1941. Some might look at that date and think the parallels between an anti-Semitic cartoon mogul and Adolph Hitler’s growing war machine are “a stretch”, and “specious at best”. Well let me tell you something, Buster Brown; fuck you.

See, this was after Walt spent over a decade fellating the egos and dicks of rich Hollywood Jew executives. Breaking into a new town isn’t easy, especially if your weapon of choice is a drawing of a teenage mutant ninja mouse on a steamboat.

Walt’s growing empire and paranoia are what led him to make his first major decision related to the apocalypse. He decided to surround himself with a team of cartoon animators who shared his controversial beliefs about Jews, genetic superiority, and the coming race war. They were going to make the best family-friendly cartoons ever! This is what led him to travel to Nazi Germany and personally ask Hitler to take back to America the Third Reich’s greatest cartoonist.

Baron Von Strauss. A disciplined man. A man of no nonsense. A bed-wetter and pyromaniac. A reclusive, hate-filled man who secretly killed cats for fun. And, a life long friend to Walt. He didn’t mind Von Strauss’ eye patch or gimp. He thought the facial scars added panache. When they weren’t animating, the two would sit around for hours, reading exerts of Mein Kampf by the fire, sipping fine chardonney and quietly giggling in a silent understanding.

The years passed in unparalleled bliss. But there was trouble in paradise. Unbeknownst to Von Strauss, Hollywood and himself, Walt Disney had a malignant brain tumor (in addition to a myriad of other congenital conditions, including Peyronie’s Disease and The Evil Gene). Just as their media empire finished the first of their giant induction compounds located in California, it appeared as if Walt was not destined to see his labors come to fruition. After a chemotherapy session, Walt told Von Strauss that he would have to carry on his legacy of hate mongering and propaganda as he resigned himself to death.

What would you do?

What would any battle tested Nazi foot soldier who may or may not had sex with his commanding officer do? Spit in the face of God, that’s what.

Pulled straight from Hitler’s playbook, Baron Von Strauss initiated Operation: Long Winter. It was originally a contingency plan to prevent sterilization in case radioactive fallout levels were too high for human testicular survival. What it required was for Disney (the Fuhrer) to be flash frozen with cryogenics, have his head removed and placed in a jar. Then Von Strauss collected some of Walt’s sperm by jacking off his dead body. When the sperm was collected, it was placed in a vial, then that vial was put in the jar with his head, then that jar would be placed as the head of an indestructible robot body powered by burning coal .

(Note, this was almost impossible for Von Strauss to pull off since he embezzled the money for this project from The Disney Company’s new idea of computer animated 3-D cartoons, setting back the development of that project over 30 years. It was either Immortal Giant Frozen Head of Walt Disney or Toy Story and he made an executive decision.)

…

And then that’s it. No one knows exactly what happened next. But some people think it looked a little like this…

WHERE DID HIS HEAD/SPERM GO?!




Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion. “History’s Mysteries: Walt Disney’s Head, Part 3”

We haven’t even gotten to the clone wars and the fall of civilization yet.