BFFs Forever

(Note: the second F stands for Fucking)

Although we are genetically superior to every one of God’s creatures, they never cease to amaze us with their human mimickry. These soulless automatons run the gamut of apparent intelligence from “none” all the way up to “retarded human child”. Of course, it isn’t real intelligence; you need to accept Jesus Christ into your heart before your mind can open up and receive the divine light of knowledge radiating from God’s throne in Heaven. And that is a physical impossibility for anyone but humans.

Clyde the Orangutan is so apparently smart he resembles a gangly, pot-bellied hillbilly child from Georgia. Look at him; put him in a pair of overalls and a straw hat, maybe a little chew in his lip and boom – he’d look ready to rape some city boys a-la Deliverance extra bonus footage. But unlike most unwashed poor people, Clyde “knows” sign language. To be fair, I would have been condescending and put “knows” in quotation marks if I were talking about hillbillies “knowing” sign language. Some creatures that walk this earth are just too dumb to know anything.

Clyde’s life partner is Ruby, a Blue Tick Hound. He’s good for rooting around, chasing rabbits down hollers and stirring up small game for Clyde to pick off with some buckshot. Sike. That’s a lie. But the two are inseparable and they do kill animals together.

I visited Clyde on his salt-of-the-earth hunk of land that the government was nice enough to donate to the National Wildlife Federation, of which Clyde is not a member of due to his communication skills. He’s basically squatting in a dirt pile owned by the federal government which is so In Your Face it’s almost punk. But that’s cool with Clyde. He and Ruby spend most of their days just kicking it and occasionally raiding the weekly flea market, heavy on some Mongol Viking Raider Bezerker type shit. That part’s not true either but I just like the visual since Clyde does look like Attila the Hun (not racist). For some reason their presence has been missed for the past 3 weekends. That’s why I came down for a visit.

I failed sign language in middle and high school but we seemed to vibe each other out well enough to quell the murderous desires fuming inside us both.

Me [signing]: Hello, Clyde
(Clyde remained aloof as he fondled his penis)

Whatcha doin’, Clyde?
[Signing] Chase tickle.

Where is Ruby?
Kill dog. Dead good bye.

Ruby is dead? Who killed Ruby?
Hard killing. Bad dog.

Clyde. Who killed Ruby, Clyde.
(Clyde stuck his toes in his mouth and rolled onto his back)

Did you kill Ruby, Clyde?
You bird

[Out loud] You little shit.
He is breakable. Me know from study.

Where is Ruby? Where is Ruby’s body?
Me am not having picture of me in article.

Where is his body, Clyde?
Rotten. Stink.

Clyde. Where is his body?
Shame.

Clyde!
In dirty toilet.

I found Ruby’s decomposing body in Clyde’s outhouse.

Why, Clyde?
No want jealous attention. Sorry.

Why were you jealous of Ruby?
He can lick privates.

That still doesn’t explain-
He can lick privates.

Clyde…
Good.

Animals are dumb.