Down, down, down into the darkness of the graveGently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.I know.
But I do not approve. ‘Cause only fags do that shit, son.
Houston, represent!
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
I think what this Pulitzer Prize winning dame was trying to say was, “Let’s prevent some more zombie attacks here. M’kay, people?” This collectivist approach towards body disposal has issued in a golden age, no, a dynasty of zombie-free living; it’s been almost 4 years since the last recorded attack.
In lieu of traditional burials, people are opting for more alternative methods: funeral pyres, body harvesting, living longer. Gross. Oh sure, this all sounds great. No more zombies? Hell yeah sign me up. But what the American people have forgotten in the time since 9/11 is that by eliminating the Life-Death-Reanimation-More Death-Apocalypse-Genesis cycle, you’re making the quality of life worse and extending it at the same time.
Let’s get the obvious downfall out of the way first: too many old people. They want to die just as much as we wish they would. Seriously, who wants to be 105? God has a specific plan once you turn 70 and it involves dying and walking the earth as an abomination. Zombies may have destroyed the very fabric of civilization in some parts of the world, but never has a zombie dinged my car, or told me a really boring story about the 30’s, or smelled like medicine, or complained to my manager.
Without dead bodies, several key industries will go under at a time when our economy is teetering on the brink of collapse as it is. Sam Bowman of Patterson, Illinois is the North American Casketeers Union leader of Local 34.
“How many people are here on Earth? Ten billion? Twenty? A casket’s got about…I’d say on average 40 dollars worth of lumber, bolts, screws, linen, whatever, and we charge ‘em at about the same price as a used car. If the casket making industry were to suddenly pucker up like my wife’s asshole…we’d be better off if Ford went under. Shit comes and goes, but people will always be dyin’.”
If there are no dead bodies, then there would be no caskets. And without caskets, there’d be no cemeteries to bury them in. And without cemeteries, where would fat, goth girls go to smoke marijuana?
Look, I know that when it comes to this subject, people’s emotions get pretty raw. It’s a debate that’s been going on for thousands of years, and we still can’t figure it out. Aristotle couldn’t come up with an answer, and he was taught by Plato. Plato couldn’t either, and he was taught by Socrates. And even Socrates couldn’t because he’s full of shit.
The point is that, zombies are like this big cleansing fire. They sweep through this forest, aka, human civilization, and clean up the thorns and dead animals and used condoms that clutter our lives. It isn’t until we’ve seen our own loved ones devoured by a decomposing army of the damned that we can pause, reflect, and come to meaningful conclusions. “I shouldn’t have lost my shit at that Starbucks employee. That poor girl. She probably never even knew two-dollar bills existed. Not her fault.”
So I say put dead bodies in the ground where they belong. It’s not like we won’t be seeing them soon enough.
Houston, represent!
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
I think what this Pulitzer Prize winning dame was trying to say was, “Let’s prevent some more zombie attacks here. M’kay, people?” This collectivist approach towards body disposal has issued in a golden age, no, a dynasty of zombie-free living; it’s been almost 4 years since the last recorded attack.
In lieu of traditional burials, people are opting for more alternative methods: funeral pyres, body harvesting, living longer. Gross. Oh sure, this all sounds great. No more zombies? Hell yeah sign me up. But what the American people have forgotten in the time since 9/11 is that by eliminating the Life-Death-Reanimation-More Death-Apocalypse-Genesis cycle, you’re making the quality of life worse and extending it at the same time.
Let’s get the obvious downfall out of the way first: too many old people. They want to die just as much as we wish they would. Seriously, who wants to be 105? God has a specific plan once you turn 70 and it involves dying and walking the earth as an abomination. Zombies may have destroyed the very fabric of civilization in some parts of the world, but never has a zombie dinged my car, or told me a really boring story about the 30’s, or smelled like medicine, or complained to my manager.
Without dead bodies, several key industries will go under at a time when our economy is teetering on the brink of collapse as it is. Sam Bowman of Patterson, Illinois is the North American Casketeers Union leader of Local 34.
“How many people are here on Earth? Ten billion? Twenty? A casket’s got about…I’d say on average 40 dollars worth of lumber, bolts, screws, linen, whatever, and we charge ‘em at about the same price as a used car. If the casket making industry were to suddenly pucker up like my wife’s asshole…we’d be better off if Ford went under. Shit comes and goes, but people will always be dyin’.”
If there are no dead bodies, then there would be no caskets. And without caskets, there’d be no cemeteries to bury them in. And without cemeteries, where would fat, goth girls go to smoke marijuana?
Look, I know that when it comes to this subject, people’s emotions get pretty raw. It’s a debate that’s been going on for thousands of years, and we still can’t figure it out. Aristotle couldn’t come up with an answer, and he was taught by Plato. Plato couldn’t either, and he was taught by Socrates. And even Socrates couldn’t because he’s full of shit.
The point is that, zombies are like this big cleansing fire. They sweep through this forest, aka, human civilization, and clean up the thorns and dead animals and used condoms that clutter our lives. It isn’t until we’ve seen our own loved ones devoured by a decomposing army of the damned that we can pause, reflect, and come to meaningful conclusions. “I shouldn’t have lost my shit at that Starbucks employee. That poor girl. She probably never even knew two-dollar bills existed. Not her fault.”
So I say put dead bodies in the ground where they belong. It’s not like we won’t be seeing them soon enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment