August Rush

August is a weird month. For some strange reason, it is both the most important and the most useless month of the year. Don’t believe me? Check your calendar, right now. I bet it’s filled up with birthdays and vacation plans and sex parties, all while the worst calendar picture of the year is proudly being displayed (Playboy’s Ms. August 2009 has scoliosis and razor burn on her chest).

Now, on average, you share your birthday with about 18,000,000 people. But that number is slightly larger in August. Why? ‘Cause bitches be fuckin’ at Thanksgiving. That’s right, August has the most birthdays out of any month for reasons I can only assume are related to family, alcohol and tryptophan. If that’s not the case then you tell me why so many people like to have a sloppy, unprotected fuck in November. Ew. What if it had to do with Veterans Day? Or Election Day?

Being the sweaty taint of Summer, August is too much of a hazy inferno to accomplish anything. It’s really more of a time to enjoy southern delights like impromptu BBQ’s, swimming holes, and lounging around complaining about how lazy other people are as they lounge around and complain about the heat because they’re so fucking lazy. I know last part sounds retarded and grammatically convoluted, but it’s August and hot and I just don’t…fucking…care…anym

November might be prime deer hunting season, but August is by far the best season to hunt human. It is by far the bloodiest month. Some blame the heat, while others blame the “evil-amulet” properties of August’s birthstone, the peridot. On top of being the month where numerous wars started and ended, when we bombed Japan back into a Flintstones episode, and when God sent Hurricane Katrina to punish New Orleans and by accident every person in a 250 mile radius, we just had the physical manifestation of rape do that voodoo that he do soooo well. Always with the suicide at the end. The mentally disturbed need to take it back to the outlaw glory days where actual bank robbing criminals had the decency to go out in a hail of gunfire.

As for me, my birthday is right smack in the middle of August. I’d throw a murder-theme party for all my friends if I wasn’t so goddamn hot and I wasn’t…so…goddamn…tired.