Twiright

Yesterday, I challenged myself to write a fan-fic based on the dubiously popular vampire series Twilight. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Seriously; all I knew was that it was a romance story for tween girls who want to be Disney princesses but still have their bad boys too. It’s the same lazy logic that gave the world The Jonas Brothers and X-Treme Churches.

The story is as follows: a mediocre looking girl ironically named Bella moves to a new town and inadvertently uses her bland personality to woo a vampire named Edward, who looks like some blowjob out of an American Eagle catalogue. Edward is a pansy because A) he only drinks animal blood and B) is a super powered entity that’s attracted to girls with zero redeeming qualities. Bad (real) vampires decide to hunt Bella, Edward stops them, and the movie ends with some PG-13 canoodling at the high school prom or some other stupid bullshit cliché. I mean, who cares right? This movie is nothing but recycled bits from 90210 and Are You Afraid of the Dark, so fuck it, throw one more cliché onto the pile. Go hog wild.

I was about to link a youtube clip but then I actually watched some and slipped into a coma. It was a defense mechanism. The screen will bombard your eyes with idiot-waves and your ears with the sounds of cats dying. This will trigger a parasympathetic reaction in your frontal cortex where it will undergo paralysis and eventually atrophy. You will retard yourself.

The fan-fic you are about to read stars the Japanese counterpoints to Bella and Edward: Sakura and Toyota. It is a typical day in biology class, as Sakura and Toyota are lab partners. Their teacher, Sensei Hiroshima, is comically annoyed at their awkward, baby-lamb-on-wobbly-legs romance. They are doing dissections today.

“Students!” shouted Sensei Hiroshima. “Lift surgery knife and slice frog.”

“Yes, sensei!” the class shouted back in perfect unison. They all attacked their specimens except for Sakura and Toyota. They were coyly flirting with each other.

“You cut frog, Toyota. I’m not so good biology student,” said Sakura sheepishly. She longingly stared into Toyota’s creepy albino-like eyes and turned away, covering her burning face with her hands. “Biology class is opportunity for great difficulties in life…” she muttered.

“My hearing dog powerful, Sakura. I’ll exchange mutilation with friendship of beautiful light hearted girl” Toyota said coolly, as he picked up the scalpel and drove it into the frog’s chest.

“Oh Toyota! You are real John Wayne superstar! If-“

“What is this shame?” shouted Sensei Hiroshima. “Sakura! Toyota! Have you finished honor killing of Sgt. Frog? You come to school for studying frog, not for dishonoring me and the friend of a near creature of the age.”

They replied back. “Yes, sensei!” Immediately their work finally began. They worked quietly until it was time to remove the heart. Toyota was about to sever the atria artery when Sakura grabbed his hand.

“Toyota, is this happening? You can’t remove heart of the tiny friend! How can love happen with no hearts?”

“Sakura, frog is dead.”

“But…” Sakura started. “So is Toyota. Toyota is dead! You are dead vampire guy!”

“Sakura! 1000 years of shame on your family! ” shouted Sensei Hiroshima.

They were in real trouble now. As with so many bulimics, Toyota eats when he gets nervous. He licked the blood off the scalpel unconsciously and grimaced at the formaldehyde taste. Hiroshima saw.

“It is you Toyota! You are influencing impetuousness and disgrace. I surely banish you. Leave!”

“The person who makes enemies with me also recruits it. Moreover, do not molest me on the person who knows my character! ”

“Your character is demons…” Hiroshima said through gritted teeth.

“He know!” squeaked Sakura.

“That’s finished! I will kill you good!” Toyota lunged into the air and flew head first towards Sensei Hiroshima, but Hiroshima was quick to respond. He clicked a button on his watch. Immediately a trap door opened beneath him and he slid down a long pipe into the cockpit of his F-16 Gundam fighter Sparkle Death.

“The youth of today are evil and have foolishness. Time…for…KIILLLLLLLLL!!!” And with that Sensei Hiroshima blasted out of his subterranean hanger, taking out half of the school, and engaged Toyota in a free-flying fist fight. It was total vampire vs. robot-plane thing; real heavy on some Matrix Revolutions type shit.

Sakura raced to the edge of what was left of her classroom, clutched her chest and stared up at the duel.

“Toyota! Stop! Being vampire, sun causes you great discomfort! Come back to me forever! I desire your romance!” But it was too late. Toyota flew directly into a sun beam. His skin burst into flames and he fell to earth limp. The fire eventually burnt itself out. With his body fully turned into black ash, he landed on the ground with a powdery thump, ashes scattering to the wind. The only things left of him were his Reeboks.

“Supersized homo jackass,” Sensei Hiroshima’s voice echoed out of Sparkle Death’s outboard speakers.

Sakura was beside herself. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. A piece of Toyota’s ash was picked up by a current and delivered right next to her ear.

“Sakura,” the ash whispered. “Do not burden yourself with grief. Pieces of me are inside you through contact love bite. I live inside your blood as happy vampire friend.” The ash blew away.

Sakura fell silent. On her surprisingly cold neck she felt the puncture wounds of two fang marks running red with blood. The blossoming of her heightened senses felt like dropping acid; she could see the most insignificant minutia and could smell the blood of everyone around her. She hungered for Hiroshima’s.

“Sensei…the revenge shall be of Toyota!”

Ready to destroy him, Sakura boldly stepped forward!

…into a sunbeam.

She immediately burst into flames and died on the spot as a pile of smoldering ash.

One of Toyota’s ashes whispered to one of Sakura’s. "Stupid retard baby,"






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