I remember the exact moment I realized I had become a man. It wasn’t when I was 12 and I had just finished my bar-mitzva. Nor was it when I was 17 and lost my virginity. It wasn’t when I was 18 and I received a draft notice from the government. And it certainly wasn’t when I was 18 and got drunk for the first time.
No, it was much more special than that.
It was when I was 21 and I was standing in Federal Court. The judge said, “Mr. Reiss you are being tried as an adult, do you understand?” Why, actually, yes. Yes I do understand. I’m allllll man!”
Of course, along with being a man came a year long jail sentence and a $5,000 fine if convicted (didn’t!). But that’s what growing up is all about. You move from “little high, little low” to “high, deep fucking low”. Hey, Peter Pan! It’s time to put on the big-boy pants and grow the fuck up.
Imbalu Circumcision Party
Age: 18-21
You know when a little Jewish baby gets circumcised it’s usually when they are still covered in mom-juices? Like, they are that fresh? Or they wait like a week so the child can wear nice clothes for the Moil and start learning the concepts of expectations and disappointment? Well the Imbalu, which is a tribe in Africa, let the boys’ penis age like salt-cured meat. This thing is like a festival; the whole tribe comes out with music, BBQ goats, dirt rituals, and booze. For 3 days this party goes on while the boy tries to not psyche himself out. If he can face the knife, aka, have a middle aged dude fondle your junk with a knife, without showing any fear, you are a man. If you show fear during the process, you’re still a man but you are, as the Imbalu call it, a “he-bitch”.
Jewish Bar-Mitzva
Age: 12-13
The myth about bar-mitzvas is that once done, you are a man in the community. Fact is, once you’re done, you’re still the same rights-less adolescent you were but now you have $4,000 to fund running away and joining a Canadian circus. Although, because of the heavy emphasis placed on learning and responsibility at such a young age (it takes years to prep for this thing), it is the reason why Jews have historically been intelligent and invented world-altering things like communism, modern psychology, jeans, polio vaccines, Jesus Christ, and the concept of humor.
Boston Hot Wing Challenge
Age: “Oh you think you’re old enough, huh?”
The challenge is simple: eat 10 devil wings, made with the hottest pepper in the world the Indian Naga Jolokia pepper, and claim immortality on the Wall of Flame. Like most manhood tests, this one amounts to nothing more than a retarded frat-stunt. Who can do the dumbest, most painful thing ever without flinching? “I can, ya wicked pansy. Now hit me in the face with that frickin’ ahm-chehah. GO SOX!” *whack*
Themyscira Sex Change Operation
Age: Puberty or like around 25 when you start getting those “feelings”
For those of you who aren’t dorks, Themyscira is the home island of Wonder Woman and the Amazons. It has strict guidelines and rules of conduct and honor, namely that men are forbidden from even walking on the island, which makes things hard when one sister realizes she’s actually a man trapped in a woman’s body. Man, I wish I was trapped in a woman’s body that would be fun as shit. Oh sure, they can have the surgery, no prob. But they are forever banished from their home and are to leave in disgrace. So, it’s like every other person who’s ever had a sex change. Or hell, gay. Carry your burden like a man!
Russian Bear Fighting
Age: 10
Leave it to Russians to take something as simple and care-free as bullfighting and warp it into something a million times more fucked up and therefore cooler. I was taught as part of the cultural aspects of Spain in Spanish class that bullfighting is like this one huge show of manly bravado. You lure in the beast, make it dance around, and stick swords in it until either you or the bull dies. Ok, take that, replace the bull with a 900lb bear, the swords with a knife (not knives; A knife) and the man is a boy. The best strategy is to not attack the bear but to bait it around until the 2 hour time limit is up. But if the boy does manage to kill it…instant manhood. Manhood on tap. Plus he gets a cool nickname for life like Yefim the Quick or Aleksei the Unpredictable. Oh yeah, before I forget, there is a branch of PETA established in Russia but all members have about as much status and prominence in the country as 15th century slave women.
Sicilian Rave in the Cave
Age: 14-16
A drugless, 2 day rave may seem brutal on its own because 1) only drugs can provide that kind of endurance and 2) ew, rave music, but compound the fact that kids are raving in popular body-disposal sites for the mafia and things take on an edge of abandon. Although you don’t need to do this to be a man in Sicily, you do if want the slightest hope of getting laid in high school.
Pacific North West Salmon Spawn
Age: 1-5
In every young salmon’s life, there comes a time where you cast off the luxurious life of a deep sea salmon and take on the brutal life and responsibilities of a spawning salmon. Salmon salmon salmon. Salmon! If you can survive the hundreds of miles swimming upstream, fighting starvation, exhaustion, bears, and Eskimos, your sexy prize is fertilizing eggs in what is probably the exact same spot your parents conceived you. Congratulations. You are a man. Now you may die.
No, it was much more special than that.
It was when I was 21 and I was standing in Federal Court. The judge said, “Mr. Reiss you are being tried as an adult, do you understand?” Why, actually, yes. Yes I do understand. I’m allllll man!”
Of course, along with being a man came a year long jail sentence and a $5,000 fine if convicted (didn’t!). But that’s what growing up is all about. You move from “little high, little low” to “high, deep fucking low”. Hey, Peter Pan! It’s time to put on the big-boy pants and grow the fuck up.
Imbalu Circumcision Party
Age: 18-21
You know when a little Jewish baby gets circumcised it’s usually when they are still covered in mom-juices? Like, they are that fresh? Or they wait like a week so the child can wear nice clothes for the Moil and start learning the concepts of expectations and disappointment? Well the Imbalu, which is a tribe in Africa, let the boys’ penis age like salt-cured meat. This thing is like a festival; the whole tribe comes out with music, BBQ goats, dirt rituals, and booze. For 3 days this party goes on while the boy tries to not psyche himself out. If he can face the knife, aka, have a middle aged dude fondle your junk with a knife, without showing any fear, you are a man. If you show fear during the process, you’re still a man but you are, as the Imbalu call it, a “he-bitch”.
Jewish Bar-Mitzva
Age: 12-13
The myth about bar-mitzvas is that once done, you are a man in the community. Fact is, once you’re done, you’re still the same rights-less adolescent you were but now you have $4,000 to fund running away and joining a Canadian circus. Although, because of the heavy emphasis placed on learning and responsibility at such a young age (it takes years to prep for this thing), it is the reason why Jews have historically been intelligent and invented world-altering things like communism, modern psychology, jeans, polio vaccines, Jesus Christ, and the concept of humor.
Boston Hot Wing Challenge
Age: “Oh you think you’re old enough, huh?”
The challenge is simple: eat 10 devil wings, made with the hottest pepper in the world the Indian Naga Jolokia pepper, and claim immortality on the Wall of Flame. Like most manhood tests, this one amounts to nothing more than a retarded frat-stunt. Who can do the dumbest, most painful thing ever without flinching? “I can, ya wicked pansy. Now hit me in the face with that frickin’ ahm-chehah. GO SOX!” *whack*
Themyscira Sex Change Operation
Age: Puberty or like around 25 when you start getting those “feelings”
For those of you who aren’t dorks, Themyscira is the home island of Wonder Woman and the Amazons. It has strict guidelines and rules of conduct and honor, namely that men are forbidden from even walking on the island, which makes things hard when one sister realizes she’s actually a man trapped in a woman’s body. Man, I wish I was trapped in a woman’s body that would be fun as shit. Oh sure, they can have the surgery, no prob. But they are forever banished from their home and are to leave in disgrace. So, it’s like every other person who’s ever had a sex change. Or hell, gay. Carry your burden like a man!
Russian Bear Fighting
Age: 10
Leave it to Russians to take something as simple and care-free as bullfighting and warp it into something a million times more fucked up and therefore cooler. I was taught as part of the cultural aspects of Spain in Spanish class that bullfighting is like this one huge show of manly bravado. You lure in the beast, make it dance around, and stick swords in it until either you or the bull dies. Ok, take that, replace the bull with a 900lb bear, the swords with a knife (not knives; A knife) and the man is a boy. The best strategy is to not attack the bear but to bait it around until the 2 hour time limit is up. But if the boy does manage to kill it…instant manhood. Manhood on tap. Plus he gets a cool nickname for life like Yefim the Quick or Aleksei the Unpredictable. Oh yeah, before I forget, there is a branch of PETA established in Russia but all members have about as much status and prominence in the country as 15th century slave women.
Sicilian Rave in the Cave
Age: 14-16
A drugless, 2 day rave may seem brutal on its own because 1) only drugs can provide that kind of endurance and 2) ew, rave music, but compound the fact that kids are raving in popular body-disposal sites for the mafia and things take on an edge of abandon. Although you don’t need to do this to be a man in Sicily, you do if want the slightest hope of getting laid in high school.
Pacific North West Salmon Spawn
Age: 1-5
In every young salmon’s life, there comes a time where you cast off the luxurious life of a deep sea salmon and take on the brutal life and responsibilities of a spawning salmon. Salmon salmon salmon. Salmon! If you can survive the hundreds of miles swimming upstream, fighting starvation, exhaustion, bears, and Eskimos, your sexy prize is fertilizing eggs in what is probably the exact same spot your parents conceived you. Congratulations. You are a man. Now you may die.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9t-TC-PfDFY
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