Flying sucks. It doesn’t just suck; it’s a downright pain in the ass. It’s right up there with getting a parking ticket or having the stomach flu. Actually, flying is sort of like a combination of both those things. It’s an expensive, needless hassle that makes you wanna throw up. Airplanes are flying Skinner Boxes from Hell.
It’s noisy, cramped, uncomfortable, disease ridden, confusing, scary, and expensive as hell. Oh yeah, here are some other reasons why we should go back to using railroads.
Security
Thanks, 9/11 hijackers. You’ve permanently fucked up the world forever and I say this without a hint of sarcasm. Because you’ve instilled so much psychotic fear into everyone, now every time I fly on a plain I need to wait 90 minutes while some barely literate yokel fingers my luggage. We all have our horror stories about being randomly selected for an intense security shakedown. My personal favorite is my family trip back from Florida. My mom was selected and spent nearly 25 minutes getting the third degree by GED-scholar army men holding M-16’s while some dried up old tart managed to smuggle a LIVE GODDAMN CAT ON BOARD THE CABIN IN A FUCKING SHOPPING BAG. So here’s a helpful tip to any would be terrorist: cat bombs. A cat with a stick of dynamite up its ass is completely undetectable by US security. Go nuts.
In-Flight Movies
What do the movies Juno, The Emperor’s New Groove, A.I., Horton Hears a Who, and First Sunday have in common? They all had the roar of a dull fart at the box office and were, literally, the best things to watch on my most recent trip. Trust me. They were the best. There were much worse films being offered (e.g. The Love Guru). If I knew that’s all I had to look forward to for 8 hours, I would have given serious thought to smuggling on board some drugs.
The Kosher Meal
Didn’t you know Jews love meals consisting solely of an old tangerine and some Sprite? We have our own version of religious fasting akin to Ramadan called “I’m going to return this. This-this-this is just terrible!” All airline food is inedible, but at least with the Goyim meal you know you’re getting a pig. What part of the pig I have no idea. All I know is that it’s a torn off hunk of a pig carcass because that’s all white people eat apparently. The kosher meal, on the other hand, is an unidentifiable complex of starches, carbohydrates, protein and some secret ingredient that turns those otherwise normal food options into bowel-clenching, god-cursing experience. I think the secret ingredient is “hate”.
Detroit
Yo, fuck Detroit. I was laid over in that city twice. The first time I was there, I spent a good 2 hours in the most fake ass Japanese restaurant ever getting drunk on sake and trying to decide whether or not I wanted cheeseburger sushi or “kabuki” style mozzarella sticks. By the way, sake is gross and has no redeeming qualities, just in case you were tempted to try something that was probably fermented behind a radiator. The second time I was there, I figured I’d just stick to some tried and true McDonalds. There’s no conceivable way you can fuck up a McDonalds; they’re all the same! Not true. This one was managed by all the cute little urban achievers Detroit had to offer. I know the kid working the counter felt like a tool and everything, but it’s not like he should take it out on m-, well, actually. If I were in his position, I’d probably have acted like just as big a cockhead as he did. I can’t blame the kid for being rude and lazy but, you know, fuck him. There was one cool thing about the Detroit airport. I have no way to describe this, because I’m not even sure what it was, but I’ll give it my best shot. It was an underground psychedelic tunnel of wonders that stimulated 4/5 senses and connected 2 different parts of the airport. I spent a lot of time walking back and forth down there.
Fatties, Babies, and Fat Babies
The scariest moment on a plane is right before you take off you get to see who you’re sitting next to for the next 10 hours. Some colossal sack of shit waddles over to you, squeezes in and politely asks the stewardess for a seatbelt extender. That’s when you know this is for reals and that there is no escape. Some fat people need two seats on an airplane. What happens when they do get their two seats, but you’re the one with the middle seat? Babies are the worst because they piss off everyone. Ever notice how when a baby screams on a plane the mom doesn’t even flinch? That’s because she’s conditioned herself to block out the noise. Um, ‘scuse me Zen master Monk Quang Duc Mom, but maybe you should have waited 2 or 3 years to go on vacation so you wouldn’t bad-vibe the plane by having the entire cabin simultaneously wish for a mid-air explosion just so we wouldn’t have to listen to your screaming, shirtless, bald kin for one second longer. And fat babies? They’re the blurst.
Flying Outhouse
I don’t know what it is about airplanes that turns people back into uncivilized cave monkeys, but it seems everyone forgets how to shit and not fuck in public once the doors to the bathroom close. It’s so disgusting in there. I saw this one where shit got everywhere. I’m not talking about just all over the seat. I mean the seat, the walls, the door, the mirror, the ceiling, everywhere. What the fuck? Was this person doing fucking jumping jacks while shitting? Did they mistake a bowel movement for their soul escaping so they thought they’d try to capture it and shove it back in? And if you want to screw in an airplane toilet, that’s your business. I already described what the worst bathroom is hygienically. You know what they do to clean those up? Wipe it down with a wet paper towel, Fabreeze it, and call it a day. So to all you would be mile-high joiners, good luck. Hope you manage to keep your wood with that image in your mind.
Lost Luggage
I’m out of clever juice. Lost luggage just blows. I don’t know. I just have a very romantic notion of what a trans-continental train ride would be like and this is just one of the many, many, many, many, many, many problems that can be solved.
It’s noisy, cramped, uncomfortable, disease ridden, confusing, scary, and expensive as hell. Oh yeah, here are some other reasons why we should go back to using railroads.
Security
Thanks, 9/11 hijackers. You’ve permanently fucked up the world forever and I say this without a hint of sarcasm. Because you’ve instilled so much psychotic fear into everyone, now every time I fly on a plain I need to wait 90 minutes while some barely literate yokel fingers my luggage. We all have our horror stories about being randomly selected for an intense security shakedown. My personal favorite is my family trip back from Florida. My mom was selected and spent nearly 25 minutes getting the third degree by GED-scholar army men holding M-16’s while some dried up old tart managed to smuggle a LIVE GODDAMN CAT ON BOARD THE CABIN IN A FUCKING SHOPPING BAG. So here’s a helpful tip to any would be terrorist: cat bombs. A cat with a stick of dynamite up its ass is completely undetectable by US security. Go nuts.
In-Flight Movies
What do the movies Juno, The Emperor’s New Groove, A.I., Horton Hears a Who, and First Sunday have in common? They all had the roar of a dull fart at the box office and were, literally, the best things to watch on my most recent trip. Trust me. They were the best. There were much worse films being offered (e.g. The Love Guru). If I knew that’s all I had to look forward to for 8 hours, I would have given serious thought to smuggling on board some drugs.
The Kosher Meal
Didn’t you know Jews love meals consisting solely of an old tangerine and some Sprite? We have our own version of religious fasting akin to Ramadan called “I’m going to return this. This-this-this is just terrible!” All airline food is inedible, but at least with the Goyim meal you know you’re getting a pig. What part of the pig I have no idea. All I know is that it’s a torn off hunk of a pig carcass because that’s all white people eat apparently. The kosher meal, on the other hand, is an unidentifiable complex of starches, carbohydrates, protein and some secret ingredient that turns those otherwise normal food options into bowel-clenching, god-cursing experience. I think the secret ingredient is “hate”.
Detroit
Yo, fuck Detroit. I was laid over in that city twice. The first time I was there, I spent a good 2 hours in the most fake ass Japanese restaurant ever getting drunk on sake and trying to decide whether or not I wanted cheeseburger sushi or “kabuki” style mozzarella sticks. By the way, sake is gross and has no redeeming qualities, just in case you were tempted to try something that was probably fermented behind a radiator. The second time I was there, I figured I’d just stick to some tried and true McDonalds. There’s no conceivable way you can fuck up a McDonalds; they’re all the same! Not true. This one was managed by all the cute little urban achievers Detroit had to offer. I know the kid working the counter felt like a tool and everything, but it’s not like he should take it out on m-, well, actually. If I were in his position, I’d probably have acted like just as big a cockhead as he did. I can’t blame the kid for being rude and lazy but, you know, fuck him. There was one cool thing about the Detroit airport. I have no way to describe this, because I’m not even sure what it was, but I’ll give it my best shot. It was an underground psychedelic tunnel of wonders that stimulated 4/5 senses and connected 2 different parts of the airport. I spent a lot of time walking back and forth down there.
Fatties, Babies, and Fat Babies
The scariest moment on a plane is right before you take off you get to see who you’re sitting next to for the next 10 hours. Some colossal sack of shit waddles over to you, squeezes in and politely asks the stewardess for a seatbelt extender. That’s when you know this is for reals and that there is no escape. Some fat people need two seats on an airplane. What happens when they do get their two seats, but you’re the one with the middle seat? Babies are the worst because they piss off everyone. Ever notice how when a baby screams on a plane the mom doesn’t even flinch? That’s because she’s conditioned herself to block out the noise. Um, ‘scuse me Zen master Monk Quang Duc Mom, but maybe you should have waited 2 or 3 years to go on vacation so you wouldn’t bad-vibe the plane by having the entire cabin simultaneously wish for a mid-air explosion just so we wouldn’t have to listen to your screaming, shirtless, bald kin for one second longer. And fat babies? They’re the blurst.
Flying Outhouse
I don’t know what it is about airplanes that turns people back into uncivilized cave monkeys, but it seems everyone forgets how to shit and not fuck in public once the doors to the bathroom close. It’s so disgusting in there. I saw this one where shit got everywhere. I’m not talking about just all over the seat. I mean the seat, the walls, the door, the mirror, the ceiling, everywhere. What the fuck? Was this person doing fucking jumping jacks while shitting? Did they mistake a bowel movement for their soul escaping so they thought they’d try to capture it and shove it back in? And if you want to screw in an airplane toilet, that’s your business. I already described what the worst bathroom is hygienically. You know what they do to clean those up? Wipe it down with a wet paper towel, Fabreeze it, and call it a day. So to all you would be mile-high joiners, good luck. Hope you manage to keep your wood with that image in your mind.
Lost Luggage
I’m out of clever juice. Lost luggage just blows. I don’t know. I just have a very romantic notion of what a trans-continental train ride would be like and this is just one of the many, many, many, many, many, many problems that can be solved.
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