Nostradamus was brilliant. Not because he was clairvoyant; in fact I hate to be the one to break it to you but magic doesn’t exist. Neither does luck, God, or Never-Never Land. And he wasn’t brilliant because he did what all great psychics do: be as vague as fucking possible.
No, this medieval jackass is brilliant because he was lucky, er, by random coincidence fortunate, enough to pick the end of the world date as the same one as the Mayan calendar. I think. Either way, a dysenteric old man and a dead civilization picked a date somewhere in December 2012 for the world to end. The scary thing is…it might just come true.
Have you seen the world these days? It’s so fucked, and in more ways then one. Going for the sex metaphor here, it seems that the world has an apocalyptic dick furiously going in and out of every orifice at the same time. The question is which one will bust first?
Global Warming
If you could travel back in time and kill someone, who would you kill? Hitler and Justin Timberlake’s parents are good choices. What about Henry Ford? He kind of started that whole industrial revolution thing. Or at least made it sexy.
So the icecaps are going to melt. Big whup. The world’s not going to get all Water World on us, and it’s a good thing too. That movie sucked. What is going to happen is probably a million times worse. Things are just going to escalate. Northern Europe will turn into Northern Canada, the US will drown in a hurricane the size of Katrina^(Andrew) and Australia will dry up and burn like an old cigarette.
And then there are all the animals. You can wave bye-bye to frogs, bees, polar bears and everything larger than a squirrel. All that will be left are parasites and humans eating other humans. It’s a guarantee that something, be it a tape worm or the guy who ran the town’s Appleby’s, will eat you. Soon enough the water will turn into blood , you’ll break out in boils and everyone’s first born will drop dead.
Nuclear Armageddon
Wait, really? Seriously? Nukes? I thought we were done with that once that wall came down in Russia or something. You know, that wall, that really famous wall? Uh, I think Pink Floyd wrote a song about it: Money.
Anyway, since Israel and Palestine can’t play nice, Palestine is going to get big brother Iran and the two forces are going to duke it out in a bare-knuckle nuclear arms fist fight. Of course the whole world can’t just twiddle its thumbs going “do-de-doo. Da-dump-a-dooo…do-do-da dum-dee dooooo…”
No, this medieval jackass is brilliant because he was lucky, er, by random coincidence fortunate, enough to pick the end of the world date as the same one as the Mayan calendar. I think. Either way, a dysenteric old man and a dead civilization picked a date somewhere in December 2012 for the world to end. The scary thing is…it might just come true.
Have you seen the world these days? It’s so fucked, and in more ways then one. Going for the sex metaphor here, it seems that the world has an apocalyptic dick furiously going in and out of every orifice at the same time. The question is which one will bust first?
Global Warming
If you could travel back in time and kill someone, who would you kill? Hitler and Justin Timberlake’s parents are good choices. What about Henry Ford? He kind of started that whole industrial revolution thing. Or at least made it sexy.
So the icecaps are going to melt. Big whup. The world’s not going to get all Water World on us, and it’s a good thing too. That movie sucked. What is going to happen is probably a million times worse. Things are just going to escalate. Northern Europe will turn into Northern Canada, the US will drown in a hurricane the size of Katrina^(Andrew) and Australia will dry up and burn like an old cigarette.
And then there are all the animals. You can wave bye-bye to frogs, bees, polar bears and everything larger than a squirrel. All that will be left are parasites and humans eating other humans. It’s a guarantee that something, be it a tape worm or the guy who ran the town’s Appleby’s, will eat you. Soon enough the water will turn into blood , you’ll break out in boils and everyone’s first born will drop dead.
Nuclear Armageddon
Wait, really? Seriously? Nukes? I thought we were done with that once that wall came down in Russia or something. You know, that wall, that really famous wall? Uh, I think Pink Floyd wrote a song about it: Money.
Anyway, since Israel and Palestine can’t play nice, Palestine is going to get big brother Iran and the two forces are going to duke it out in a bare-knuckle nuclear arms fist fight. Of course the whole world can’t just twiddle its thumbs going “do-de-doo. Da-dump-a-dooo…do-do-da dum-dee dooooo…”
USA is going to step up when Iran bombs, and its going to bring its good ol’ drinking buddy Britain. Pakistan’ll be all “pshhhh” and push the button. That’ll piss off India, and Russia doesn’t want to be left out. China will think this is some sort of club so he’ll join and before you know it we’ve bombed ourselves back to the Stone Age. The survivors will be living just like the peoples of the third world who didn’t even fight this war.
China
Those bastards again? If it’s not one thing with them it’s another. This one is a real mystery because no one knows if they’ll take an active or passive roll in killing the planet. No one knows anything about them. Will they simply eat all of earth’s resources or will they launch a disciplined billion xiaolin man army across the globe and conquer us all? Shhh, ancient Chinese secret…
They are also communists, sorta. They’re communist-lite. They sorta have free trade but the government’s a total dick. Boo communists. Let's go back in time 50 years an enact some sort of containment policy. Yeah, that'll work.
China
Those bastards again? If it’s not one thing with them it’s another. This one is a real mystery because no one knows if they’ll take an active or passive roll in killing the planet. No one knows anything about them. Will they simply eat all of earth’s resources or will they launch a disciplined billion xiaolin man army across the globe and conquer us all? Shhh, ancient Chinese secret…
They are also communists, sorta. They’re communist-lite. They sorta have free trade but the government’s a total dick. Boo communists. Let's go back in time 50 years an enact some sort of containment policy. Yeah, that'll work.
Christ and the Rapture
Pfffffffffff yeah right. Um, ‘ello??? ‘Scuse me, but uh, like, he’s already here, m’kay? His name’s Bay-rack O-bam-a and he said “nuh uh” to this whole “end of the world” stuff. He’s gonna like totally save us. Totally. Fer sure.
Aliens
THIS one is possible. And the worst. Let me try to separate truth from fiction for a second here.
According to DC’s primer physicist and intergalactic social anthropologist, um, I forget his name but he bums for change outside Ben’s Chili Bowl on U street, the visitors will have light purple skin, humanoid physique (although details will be purely conjectural) and psychic abilities. He says that because they have mastered light speed travel and/or wormhole powers, they must be smart enough to communicate psychically. Doye.
He said, in between asking late night bar goers for change and cigarettes, that the aliens will instantly destroy the world and 99.8% of all life on it. Boom. Done. Horrible space death ray kills us all. 0.19% will be used for experimentation while the remaining 0.01% will be housed in a giant zoo terrarium. A mini-earth in a dome for alien children to gawk and throw space peanuts at.
To be one of the 650,000 humans to survive he suggests taking a long piece of thin wood like a broom or plunger handle, sticking it up your ass and then waving it at the aliens when they arrive. He says it’s how they show submissiveness on their world and that he’s been practicing every day for when they arrive.
Me
As it was prophesized, so it shall be. My rein as Earth ruler will be steel in strength, fire in resolve, and blood in rite. I will burn this world to the ground, and from the ashes an even greater civilization shall emerge like a glorious Death Phoenix. Forged in my will no man will dare stand against me. My rule will be brutal and divine. Scores shall lay dead before me, as I sit atop the ruins of the Statue of Liberty, now the Throne of Tyranny. No life shall be spared, no prayer shall be heard. No life. No mercy.
…as soon as I get Superman’s powers. That’ll be bitchin’
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