NYF’D

From the creators of Street Fighter, X-Men vs. Street Fighter and Marvel vs. Capcom comes a brand new fighting game series. NYF’D is the knife fighting game to start and end all knife fighting games. Sporting many fighters from all over the world, they gather once a year on Enforcer Island for the Great Blade Battle. Only one will survive. The survivor is that year’s winner. There can only be one winner. So…there’s only one survivor. The sole survivor wins. The winning survivor is the only one who both wins and survives. Survivor. Winner. One. What do they win? GOLD!

Let’s take a look at the fighting roster!

Name: Arthur Dingo
Home: Warrumbungle, Australia
Weapon: Bolo Machete
Primary Attack: This is a Knife
Secondary Attack: Crikey
Special: G’Day
Bio: As the only shorts-wearing fighter in this years competition, Dingo hopes that winning the gold will help his town replenish its native whitchetty grub population.

Name: Leisure Dupree
Home: Harlem, NY, USA
Weapon: Straight Razor
Primary Attack: Pimp Slice
Secondary Attack: Pimp Slash
Special: Bitch Better Gimme My Daaaamn Mon-ay!
Bio: He’s a mover. He’s a shaker. He’s a hustler. And he’s here to take the prize. This knife fighting shit is old hat to him (Note: he wears a very large, very new, purple leopard print hat).

Name: Angus MacClannough
Home: Edinburgh, Scotland
Weapon: Broken Whiskey Bottle and a Dirty AIDS Needle
Primary Attack: Hooligan
Secondary Attack: Longshank
Special: Highlander Fugue
Bio: As western Scotland’s primer dope dealer, Angus entered the tournament to help pay for his ever expanding empire, and squash his rival dealer, Robert the Brute.

Name: John Running Tree
Home: Mattaponi Indian Reservation, Virginia, USA
Weapon: Tomahawk
Primary Attack: Chop
Secondary Attack: Flying Hawk
Special: Great Spirit Summon
Bio: Born in Richmond, Virginia to 2 affluent white people, John is 1/8 Algonquian Native American. By winning the tournament, he hopes to prove to his tribe (which he gets privileges from on a technicality) and himself that he’s a real red-blooded savage.

Name: M’Butu
Home: Democratic Republic of the Congo
Weapon: Panga Machete
Primary Attack: Monkey Scalp
Secondary Attack: Juju
Special: Blood Drinker
Bio: Ever butcher an entire troop of AK-wielding rebels with a machete? M’Butu has. Numerous times. What else is there to do in the middle of nowhere?

Name: Kato Fukimaro
Home: Osaka, Japan
Weapon: Katana
Primary Attack: Ninja Strike
Secondary Attack: Samurai Strike
Special: Wind Ghost Robot Hello-Kitty Strike
Bio: Obligatory, stereotypical Japanese character. Dude likes sushi and is a teenager with emotional problems.

Name: Francis Gantineau
Home: Parts Unknown, Canada
Weapon: Axe
Primary Attack: Big Swing
Secondary Attack: Chopping Block
Special: De-forestation
Bio: From his personals ad – “SWM iso SWF Larger than life five-time champion of the Lumberjack Games seeks rewarding life with sturdy woman. Must like the outdoors, large hairy men, and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.”

Name: Topper Bollocks
Home: Brixton, England
Weapon: Switchblade
Primary Attack: Cut the Crap
Secondary Attack: Piss Stain
Special: The Filth and the Fury
Bio: “The money feels good and your life you like it will, but surely you’re time will come as in Heaven, as in Hell” - the words Topper Bollocks, the time traveling British punk from the ‘70’s lives, fights, and dies by. What a poser.

Name: Laurence Abdul Aziz Ibn Saud
Home: Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Weapon: Scimitar
Primary Attack: Beheading
Secondary Attack: Crescent Moon
Special: Slashing Gas Prices

Bio: This guy’s the son of a royal Saudi family/oil tycoon. He’s richer than God. He doesn’t need the prize money. So the only reason he’s fighting is ‘cause, straight up, he’s a dick. And his name’s Laurence. The fuck’s up with that?

Chinese Zodiac Horoscopes

March 2009

Rat
If you were born in the year of the rat, then you probably wonder why. I mean, it’s a rat. A disease spreading nuisance that only witches and herpatologists like. This has made you resentful. And crewel. Oh sure, your sign says you’re intelligent and cunning, but you’re also extremely selfish, arrogant and Machiavellian. So put all those traits to good use. This month you will find a way to kill your neighbor and make it look like an accident. The goal here is to shack up with his wife a few times, guilt free. It’s not cheating if he’s dead.

Ox
How’s my slow-witted beast of burden doin’, hmm? Doin’ fiiiiiine? Erry thang’s aight? Look, I don’t expect the gullible, unwashed masses born under this sign to be literate, so I’ll just say this behind their backs; this month they will be at work at the same soul-crushing, dead end job and do everything the boss says and keep doing it every month until they are forced into retirement and screwed out of the pension. And their slew of resentful kids will spring for a 3rd-rate nursing home where they'll spend the rest of their life making poops in a diaper and forgetting to take their socialized Alzheimer’s medication. There. Now I never have to write an Ox horoscope ever again.

Tiger
You think you’re hot shit, don’t you? Mr. “Best-animal-spirit-thingy-in-China”. Common, who wants to imagine themselves as a fucking sheep? Well this month will put you in your place. Your natural tendency for exploration and the unpredictable will put you on the path of a road trip. Hey, sounds like fun! Better check into the Milwaukee Radisson, man. You got a long trip ahead of you tomorrow. It will be the exact same Radisson that the Mid-West Furry Alliance decided to set up their annual convention. Get ready to be creeped out by a bunch of fat, sweaty, repressed dudes dressed up as actual tigers touching you. They’re just so attracted to your determination, even if it is directed at getting the fuck out of there.

Rabbit
Oh, look at the precious, sensitive wittle wabbit. So you’re an artist, huh? Delicate? Well then I am happy to announce that Barack Obama’s stimulus package will not only fail, it will backfire tremendously. Get ready for the social upheaval of a surprisingly short lifetime. This shit will be French Revolution meets L.A. Riots meets Land of the Dead and your privileged head will be the first on the chopping block. You know who eats a lot of rabbit? Chinese people [and Elmer Fudd – ed.]

Dragon
Larger than life symbols of power and authority don’t exist. It’s all fake. It’s something Kim Jong Il dreamt up while sitting on North Korea’s only toilet. These are your Caesars, your Stalins, your Clint Eastwoods. Oh sure, they existed at one point, but are hidden in caves like real dragons. If really 1/12 of the human population (560 million people) were like this, you think anything would ever get done? The world would constantly be divided among many nations while greedy fucking secret cabals ran the world behind the desks of international corporations. (I feel like there’s this big fucking anvil with the word “irony” written on it hanging over my head). Ok, soooo, for march, all you dragons out there will……..make someone’s life real shitty. Boom. This job is easy.

Snake
Jesus Christ Wikipedia isn’t giving me shit for the snake. It has 12 positive traits and like 5 negative ones, the worst of which is “snobbish”. Snobbish? Are you kidding me? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Fine, you’ll go to a restaurant and return the food because it wasn’t good enough. How, hilarious, is that shit, amirite? Now fuck the hell off you wise, profound, charming, logical, intelligent, creative, compassionate, discreet, honorable, humorous, generous, and attractive asshole. You’re comedy poison.

Horse
This Zodiac symbol is renowned for its free spirited and enthusiastic ugly bitches. So, that chick who coordinated every high school class event is a horse. So for all you happy-go-lucky giant beasts out there who shit standing up, this month you will become extra special when you get smacked in the head and end up looking like this forever:

Sheep/Goat/Ram
[Chinese people don’t know what is up with their own damn calendar – ed.] These people are supposedly the most creative bunch of them all, so try to keep that in mind as they switch it up this month by spending 19 hours a day sitting on a filth-encrusted couch in their old, dirty underwear, eating Cheetos and watching episodes of Judge Joe Brown while they try to work through their bout of writers block. “But, Kristin! If I get a job, then I won’t have any time to work on my screenplay about the vampires who fight werewolves! ‘Common, babe, I’m going to make it. My side-project experimental jazz-fusion-techno band Rayn is going to make it. Then I’ll buy you all the nice things in life you deserve. Now how about a fin for some smokes?” will be uttered for the 9,377th time, so go out and buy a victory can of Pringles. Remember when I said they’ll “switch it up” this month? Usually they watch Judge Mathews.

Monkey
Versatility defines your character, and the universe knows this. That’s why you are going to lose the following things: wife, job, home, dog, car, wallet, respect, 2 teeth, a foot (to diabetes), the lottery, and a good chunk of your sanity. Let’s see how you handle all that, mother fucker. And while you’re sorting all that shit out, try balancing the national budget, bailing out the economy, reforming politics in D.C., building clean energy grid, making heath care affordable to the entire country, solving global warming, legalizing pot and putting a man on Mars. This horoscope is dedicated to President Barack Obama, honorary March Monkey (not racist).

Rooster
I want you to close your eyes and imagine what a gay, black teenager who grew up in NYC is like. I see the most fashionable (like 3 years ahead of trends), funniest, brutally honestest, overtly snarky, bitchiest person, ever. In one word, cocks. Thems rooster folk. This month they will drive around with friends, get drunk, do a little blow, make fun of poor people and avoid any location not resembling DuPont Circle, The Village or West Hollywood. You know. “Thursday”. Those cocks.

Dog
Dog people (heh) are loyal and hate weakness because it fucks up the pack. Riiight. Anyway, they make the perfect career soldiers. In fact that’s all the military is; just a bunch of kids born in 1982. Can’t wait to see what these young guns of ’94 are going to do to the A-rabs we’re-a fightin’. Anywho, most of these guys are really into March Madness, so I predict a lot of fights breaking out. You might want to stock up on medical tape and antiseptic because the Terps are going to kick the shit out of everyone in the NCAA and if anyone disagrees, my left fist can make a 2 quick rebuttals and my right will follow up with an excellent counterpoint.

Pig
Ahahaha, pigs are supposed to be greedy and evil, and a sign of fertility. Like this huge vagina sucking out all life into its gaping maw. Like that stupid bitch in California who gave birth to octuplets when she already had 6. “I NEED MORE EGGS! Bigger family…BIGGER I SAY!!!” I know exactly how her month is going to end; with 14 welfare checks. The super religious are asking me to pray for her. Pfff. Be careful for what you pray for because it just might happen. Well, with all those mid-air satellite crashes happening, I guess the odds of one falling out of the sky and crushing her dumb ass isn’t so far off. My prayers have been answered!

Skate Witches

I really hate people who harp on the 80’s like it was our generation’s golden age. You know who I’m talking about; that guy who has to reference everything 80’s, watches I Love the 80’s, half-ironically likes The Cure, talks about 80’s cartoons like they gave birth to and nursed him, and they absolutely love Family Guy…for all the 80’s references.

The 80’s fucking sucked because it was, sad to say, exactly the same as this past shitty decade. Asshole reactionary president, big punk and emo sub culture, bizarre cartoons, revenge of the nerds; they’re the same goddamn decade. Shit, you had people shopping at thrift stores just so they can wear vintage 80’s clothing like stone-washed jeans and bright neon shirts because it’s so fucking ironic and 80’s and OMG. When you do something that hard that ironically it loses all irony and all of a sudden it’s 1983 again.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

There’s a video on youtube called Skate Witches that has absolutely fascinated me. Its so shitty and terrible and poorly acted and retarded, and fucking “Skate and Destroy” is being played on a boom box off screen…I just love it.

“We’re the Skate Witches and we don’t take no crap from [*spookily*] no oooone…” Oh, be still my throbbing heart. I’m totally under their spell. I too, only ride at midnight.

Yeah, irreverent youth sub cultures never change. Their cliché total lack of vision is as eternal as the tides. Seriously, there are a million youtube videos of emo and third-wave punks wearing the same Misfits shirt doing the exact same retarded stuff.

To find out what’s in store for our mirror generation, I tracked down the Queen Witch, whose real name is Jenny Parker, and shot the shit with her about her life after high school. We sat down outside at a coffee shop/bistro in DuPont Circle where Jenny talked and took huge drags from her clove cigarette.

Me: So, are the Skate Witches still around?
Jenny Parker:…Hmm?

Are the Skate Witches-
Noooooooo…no. We haven’t talked since Slutty Sarah slept with my boyfriend at prom.

You guys went to prom? I figured that would be the last place you’d go to in High School.
Yeah, I mean, we were going TP the parking lot while everyone was dancing in the gym. Sarah and David lived on the same side of town so they came together. When I showed up they were screwing in David’s car.

Harsh. And that was the end of the Skate Witches?
Sorta. I had to repeat senior year. They graduated and moved on and I had to stay behind. It was a rough year.

I bet.
I mean I caught those bastards cheating on me, and my rat died. It was a lot of stress no wonder I failed.

What was your rat’s name?
Willow. She was my best friend. I accidently sat on her.

What did you do after you graduated?
Well, after I got my GED I stayed in my mom’s and my mom’s boyfriend’s house while I worked at a pet store. I was going to move to New York after I saved up $5,000 but do you have any idea how hard that is when you work minimum wage and spend most of your money on drugs and gas to go to punk shows?

Why didn’t you just find a squat somewhere in New York or L.A.? That’s what real punks usually do.
I was gonna but I didn’t.

Why?
Tsk, ugh! You’re just as bad as my mom’s stupid boyfriend.

When did you move out of your parent’s place?
I didn’t.

I’m sorry?
I didn’t move out of my parent’s place.

Oh.
Yeah…

[During the awkward pause in the conversation, Patty kills half of her cigarette in one pull]

Any hobbies?
I like to go to cemeteries at night, lay on top of the graves and smoke.

Weed or cigarettes?
Usually just my cloves but if I have some weed I’ll smoke it.

Cool.
Would you like to join me tonight?

That’s OK, I have to get this article back to the office and edit it for tomorrow. Anything else you’d like to say, maybe to all the would-be neo Skate Witches out there?
Parents never understand your heart. That’s why it doesn’t matter if I don’t have one. Punk rock never dies!

…And What’s the Deal with Airplane Peanuts?!

Flying sucks. It doesn’t just suck; it’s a downright pain in the ass. It’s right up there with getting a parking ticket or having the stomach flu. Actually, flying is sort of like a combination of both those things. It’s an expensive, needless hassle that makes you wanna throw up. Airplanes are flying Skinner Boxes from Hell.

It’s noisy, cramped, uncomfortable, disease ridden, confusing, scary, and expensive as hell. Oh yeah, here are some other reasons why we should go back to using railroads.

Security
Thanks, 9/11 hijackers. You’ve permanently fucked up the world forever and I say this without a hint of sarcasm. Because you’ve instilled so much psychotic fear into everyone, now every time I fly on a plain I need to wait 90 minutes while some barely literate yokel fingers my luggage. We all have our horror stories about being randomly selected for an intense security shakedown. My personal favorite is my family trip back from Florida. My mom was selected and spent nearly 25 minutes getting the third degree by GED-scholar army men holding M-16’s while some dried up old tart managed to smuggle a LIVE GODDAMN CAT ON BOARD THE CABIN IN A FUCKING SHOPPING BAG. So here’s a helpful tip to any would be terrorist: cat bombs. A cat with a stick of dynamite up its ass is completely undetectable by US security. Go nuts.

In-Flight Movies
What do the movies Juno, The Emperor’s New Groove, A.I., Horton Hears a Who, and First Sunday have in common? They all had the roar of a dull fart at the box office and were, literally, the best things to watch on my most recent trip. Trust me. They were the best. There were much worse films being offered (e.g. The Love Guru). If I knew that’s all I had to look forward to for 8 hours, I would have given serious thought to smuggling on board some drugs.

The Kosher Meal
Didn’t you know Jews love meals consisting solely of an old tangerine and some Sprite? We have our own version of religious fasting akin to Ramadan called “I’m going to return this. This-this-this is just terrible!” All airline food is inedible, but at least with the Goyim meal you know you’re getting a pig. What part of the pig I have no idea. All I know is that it’s a torn off hunk of a pig carcass because that’s all white people eat apparently. The kosher meal, on the other hand, is an unidentifiable complex of starches, carbohydrates, protein and some secret ingredient that turns those otherwise normal food options into bowel-clenching, god-cursing experience. I think the secret ingredient is “hate”.

Detroit
Yo, fuck Detroit. I was laid over in that city twice. The first time I was there, I spent a good 2 hours in the most fake ass Japanese restaurant ever getting drunk on sake and trying to decide whether or not I wanted cheeseburger sushi or “kabuki” style mozzarella sticks. By the way, sake is gross and has no redeeming qualities, just in case you were tempted to try something that was probably fermented behind a radiator. The second time I was there, I figured I’d just stick to some tried and true McDonalds. There’s no conceivable way you can fuck up a McDonalds; they’re all the same! Not true. This one was managed by all the cute little urban achievers Detroit had to offer. I know the kid working the counter felt like a tool and everything, but it’s not like he should take it out on m-, well, actually. If I were in his position, I’d probably have acted like just as big a cockhead as he did. I can’t blame the kid for being rude and lazy but, you know, fuck him. There was one cool thing about the Detroit airport. I have no way to describe this, because I’m not even sure what it was, but I’ll give it my best shot. It was an underground psychedelic tunnel of wonders that stimulated 4/5 senses and connected 2 different parts of the airport. I spent a lot of time walking back and forth down there.

Fatties, Babies, and Fat Babies
The scariest moment on a plane is right before you take off you get to see who you’re sitting next to for the next 10 hours. Some colossal sack of shit waddles over to you, squeezes in and politely asks the stewardess for a seatbelt extender. That’s when you know this is for reals and that there is no escape. Some fat people need two seats on an airplane. What happens when they do get their two seats, but you’re the one with the middle seat? Babies are the worst because they piss off everyone. Ever notice how when a baby screams on a plane the mom doesn’t even flinch? That’s because she’s conditioned herself to block out the noise. Um, ‘scuse me Zen master Monk Quang Duc Mom, but maybe you should have waited 2 or 3 years to go on vacation so you wouldn’t bad-vibe the plane by having the entire cabin simultaneously wish for a mid-air explosion just so we wouldn’t have to listen to your screaming, shirtless, bald kin for one second longer. And fat babies? They’re the blurst.

Flying Outhouse
I don’t know what it is about airplanes that turns people back into uncivilized cave monkeys, but it seems everyone forgets how to shit and not fuck in public once the doors to the bathroom close. It’s so disgusting in there. I saw this one where shit got everywhere. I’m not talking about just all over the seat. I mean the seat, the walls, the door, the mirror, the ceiling, everywhere. What the fuck? Was this person doing fucking jumping jacks while shitting? Did they mistake a bowel movement for their soul escaping so they thought they’d try to capture it and shove it back in? And if you want to screw in an airplane toilet, that’s your business. I already described what the worst bathroom is hygienically. You know what they do to clean those up? Wipe it down with a wet paper towel, Fabreeze it, and call it a day. So to all you would be mile-high joiners, good luck. Hope you manage to keep your wood with that image in your mind.

Lost Luggage
I’m out of clever juice. Lost luggage just blows. I don’t know. I just have a very romantic notion of what a trans-continental train ride would be like and this is just one of the many, many, many, many, many, many problems that can be solved.

Death Row Confessions – Virginia Edition

Name: Cory Johnson
Jurisdiction: Richmond (federal conviction)
Crime: murder
Date Entered: 7-2-97
“You know, when I first got in here knowing what would happen, I tried finding some sort of peace inside, you know? I tried religion. I tried yoga. I tried chess. Nothing. All I do now is find gumps. I’m gump crazy. Been like that for years. I ain’t gay or nothing but that’s how I spend my time. I got a reputation around here now. My momma don’t know, and I don’t want her knowing. I think it’d break her heart. I’m not going to stop doing it, but, whatever. Fuck it.”

Name: Percy Walton
Jurisdiction: Danville
Crime: murder 3x, robbery
Date Entered: 10-31-97
“I’d do it again”

Name: Daryl Atkins
Jurisdiction: York co.
Crime: grand negligence ($500,000 unpaid parking fines)
Date Entered: 4-28-98
“This is fucking bullshit! Fucking fuck shit fuck hell ass cock fuck shit!!!”

Name: Brandon Hedrick
Jurisdiction: Appomattox
Crime: murder, rape, robbery
Date Entered: 7-22-98
“I did rape and kill that girl, but the body the found in the river to convict me was not Lisa’s; it was a victim of one of my buddies Richard Tipton. When I bust out of here I’m gonna bust your nose, Dick! Haha. We play this game a lot.”

Name: Darrick Walker
Jurisdiction: Henrico
Crime: murder, multiple homicides
Date Entered: 10-21-98
“You wanna know where Saddam hid those weapons of mass destruction?” I nod my head. [* Walker unzips his fly*]

Name: “Swastika” Pete Burns
Jurisdiction: Norfolk
Crime: murder (hate crime)
Date Entered: 5-8-99
“Honestly, I don’t hate blacks anymore. Really! I got to know a few in here and, I can say from the bottom of my heart that they are some swell, swell, guys. Super nice. I don’t have a mean thing to say about them. Now on the other hand, the Jews…”

Name: John Allen Mohammed
Jurisdiction: Prince William County
Crime: capitol murder; acts of terrorism and homicide
Date Entered: 3-9-04
“I never did anything. It was all Lee Malvo. He, he did all the shootings. It was all his idea. I just drove the car. He told me we were going to Arby’s. I’d say , ‘Hey, Lee. When are we going to Arby’s?’ and he’d say the same thing. You know what he’d say? He’d say, ‘Just a minute.’ Just a minute! Can you believe that? ‘Just a minute’ *blamo*! ‘Just a minute’ *sha-bang*! I didn’t want any of them white folks to die, I just wanted some Arbys’.”

Chimp Wars: Recorded Attacks

Rarely does this blog get topical, but I cannot let this piece of news go by un-re-reported. Remember when that chimp Travis was hopped up on Xanex and ripped that lady’s face off? Then the police shot and killed Travis…for ripping that lady’s face off?

This may seem like just another tragic yet hilarious piece of news traum-edy but actually, this is one act in a very long, Shakespearean play (a traum-edy) depicting the ongoing conflict between chimps and man.

See, some 3 million years ago we both shared a common humanoid ancestor. Like, imagine a really smelly, deformed looking tribe of pig monkey men living in the jungle. Then the tribe split. No one knows why, but we can guess. I like to think it has to do with skin color. Anyway, the half that stayed in the jungle became modern day chimps and the half that lived in the plains became all the races of human, except Aborigines. To this day chimps and man still hate each other and carry the same grudge. Also, chimps are mad that we call our common ancestor “humanoid” and not “chimpanoid”.

For millions of years, we have waged war openly. It was not until recent times have we forgotten our bloody history. I blame the Church. Maybe that’s why the story of Travis seems like an isolated event. But this attack and many more of its kind have been recorded in the annals of history.

Chimp Army Uniformed Attack
Hayfield, Ohio 1997
The Warren County zoo hosts a variety of living arrangements for its animals. Bird sanctuaries, giant sloth terrariums, but the zoo’s most popular habitat was Chimp Island, a 2000 square foot enclosure surrounded by a vast moat. At approximately 10:30 AM, the chimps finally cut through the trunk of a palm tree with the lower jaw bone of a no longer missing zoo curator. With the fallen palm serving as an impromptu bridge, the first wave of chimps, 15 strong, crossed over into the park. Zoo patrons mauled, fountains defiled and hotdog stands turned, humans alike were helpless until a posse of security guards managed to drive back the invading force. That’s when the second wave, 20 strong, attacked. It took ten federal marshals to bring the combat to a conclusion. By the end of the day, 34 chimps were dead, one human child was dead, 78 humans maimed, and 3 feces covered hotdog carts were rendered uncleanable. The lone surviving chimp, George, was brought into questioning. He died in custody. Officials report he committed suicide via cyanide capsule, but since no body was ever recovered this is all speculative.

Biological Warfare
Reston, Virginia 1989
There was a domestic biological attack on the United States which predated the mailed anthrax attacks shortly following September 11, 2001. A group of 3 suicide terrorist chimps, Mongo, Manson, and Bubbles, willfully and knowingly contracted an airborne strain of the Ebola virus in the hopes of decimating America’s population. Their plan was to reach the United States, hemorrhage/crash, and spread the biosafety level-4 virus to a human host by any means necessary. Their plan would have succeeded if it not for the fact that the strain of Ebola, now known as Ebola Reston, does not affect human beings. Stupid monkeys.

Coercion through Dystopia
Northern New Jersey, 3976

Colonel George “Bright Eyes” Taylor was subjugated to numerous forms of torture under a society run by apes. In this land he was treated as an animal with barely any regard for his life. Thought of as inferior, he was ostracized and harassed until he was finally banished into the forbidden zone. If this is not a call to warning of our horrible future, then I don’t know what is. It reinforces what I have been saying for years: kill all chimps.

Oh yeah and fuck Jane Goodall

It's The End of the World

Nostradamus was brilliant. Not because he was clairvoyant; in fact I hate to be the one to break it to you but magic doesn’t exist. Neither does luck, God, or Never-Never Land. And he wasn’t brilliant because he did what all great psychics do: be as vague as fucking possible.

No, this medieval jackass is brilliant because he was lucky, er, by random coincidence fortunate, enough to pick the end of the world date as the same one as the Mayan calendar. I think. Either way, a dysenteric old man and a dead civilization picked a date somewhere in December 2012 for the world to end. The scary thing is…it might just come true.

Have you seen the world these days? It’s so fucked, and in more ways then one. Going for the sex metaphor here, it seems that the world has an apocalyptic dick furiously going in and out of every orifice at the same time. The question is which one will bust first?

Global Warming
If you could travel back in time and kill someone, who would you kill? Hitler and Justin Timberlake’s parents are good choices. What about Henry Ford? He kind of started that whole industrial revolution thing. Or at least made it sexy.

So the icecaps are going to melt. Big whup. The world’s not going to get all Water World on us, and it’s a good thing too. That movie sucked. What is going to happen is probably a million times worse. Things are just going to escalate. Northern Europe will turn into Northern Canada, the US will drown in a hurricane the size of Katrina^(Andrew) and Australia will dry up and burn like an old cigarette.

And then there are all the animals. You can wave bye-bye to frogs, bees, polar bears and everything larger than a squirrel. All that will be left are parasites and humans eating other humans. It’s a guarantee that something, be it a tape worm or the guy who ran the town’s Appleby’s, will eat you. Soon enough the water will turn into blood , you’ll break out in boils and everyone’s first born will drop dead.

Nuclear Armageddon
Wait, really? Seriously? Nukes? I thought we were done with that once that wall came down in Russia or something. You know, that wall, that really famous wall? Uh, I think Pink Floyd wrote a song about it: Money.

Anyway, since Israel and Palestine can’t play nice, Palestine is going to get big brother Iran and the two forces are going to duke it out in a bare-knuckle nuclear arms fist fight. Of course the whole world can’t just twiddle its thumbs going “do-de-doo. Da-dump-a-dooo…do-do-da dum-dee dooooo…”

USA is going to step up when Iran bombs, and its going to bring its good ol’ drinking buddy Britain. Pakistan’ll be all “pshhhh” and push the button. That’ll piss off India, and Russia doesn’t want to be left out. China will think this is some sort of club so he’ll join and before you know it we’ve bombed ourselves back to the Stone Age. The survivors will be living just like the peoples of the third world who didn’t even fight this war.

China
Those bastards again? If it’s not one thing with them it’s another. This one is a real mystery because no one knows if they’ll take an active or passive roll in killing the planet. No one knows anything about them. Will they simply eat all of earth’s resources or will they launch a disciplined billion xiaolin man army across the globe and conquer us all? Shhh, ancient Chinese secret…

They are also communists, sorta. They’re communist-lite. They sorta have free trade but the government’s a total dick. Boo communists. Let's go back in time 50 years an enact some sort of containment policy. Yeah, that'll work.

Christ and the Rapture
Pfffffffffff yeah right. Um, ‘ello??? ‘Scuse me, but uh, like, he’s already here, m’kay? His name’s Bay-rack O-bam-a and he said “nuh uh” to this whole “end of the world” stuff. He’s gonna like totally save us. Totally. Fer sure.

Aliens
THIS one is possible. And the worst. Let me try to separate truth from fiction for a second here.

According to DC’s primer physicist and intergalactic social anthropologist, um, I forget his name but he bums for change outside Ben’s Chili Bowl on U street, the visitors will have light purple skin, humanoid physique (although details will be purely conjectural) and psychic abilities. He says that because they have mastered light speed travel and/or wormhole powers, they must be smart enough to communicate psychically. Doye.

He said, in between asking late night bar goers for change and cigarettes, that the aliens will instantly destroy the world and 99.8% of all life on it. Boom. Done. Horrible space death ray kills us all. 0.19% will be used for experimentation while the remaining 0.01% will be housed in a giant zoo terrarium. A mini-earth in a dome for alien children to gawk and throw space peanuts at.

To be one of the 650,000 humans to survive he suggests taking a long piece of thin wood like a broom or plunger handle, sticking it up your ass and then waving it at the aliens when they arrive. He says it’s how they show submissiveness on their world and that he’s been practicing every day for when they arrive.

Me
As it was prophesized, so it shall be. My rein as Earth ruler will be steel in strength, fire in resolve, and blood in rite. I will burn this world to the ground, and from the ashes an even greater civilization shall emerge like a glorious Death Phoenix. Forged in my will no man will dare stand against me. My rule will be brutal and divine. Scores shall lay dead before me, as I sit atop the ruins of the Statue of Liberty, now the Throne of Tyranny. No life shall be spared, no prayer shall be heard. No life. No mercy.

…as soon as I get Superman’s powers. That’ll be bitchin’